Linda’s had a bad day. First her boyfriend killed her. Then she woke up, still on this boring plane of existence, and with an odd obsession about her missing body. Mike won’t tell her what he did with her body, and she can’t find the stupid thing herself. There’s only one thing she can do - torment the bastard until he coughs up the information.
This is a very short work - novelette length.
Warning: Frequent foul language, mild sex scenes, and Australian spelling.
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DEAD[ish] is another one of my brilliant ideas. Why the hell did I order it? Why?? Not all freebies are good. I need to get this phrase in my mind. Hammer it in there and hope that I won’t make mistakes like this again.
You know what my problem is? Every time I see a freebie, I tend to click the “order” button. Every. Single. Time. It’s instinct. I don’t even bother reading the description. And then I find myself reading junk and wonder “Oh nooo why did I get the book?”. Well, boo-hoo dumbass because you order all this crap just because it’s free! Don’t. I mean, just look at the title! DEAD[ish]! Who the fuck names their books DEAD[ish]??
However, I managed to finish it. Lucky for me it’s a short story, so I got off easily.
DEAD (am I supposed to always write it in capital letters? Sheesh!)[ish] goes like this. A chick had over-oily sex with a gay couple (wtf) and her guy saw her. They had a fight. She insulted him. He slapped her. She slipped on the oil (a leftover gift from the gay guys); hit her head against a table (or something). And she was ok. Not dead. Yet. After this they made up through boring missionary-position sex and the next day the dude found the chick dead. Then she comes back as a ghost and physically assaults the guy. This is supposed to be her “revenge”.
So in order to go to the white sparkly place above the clouds, she needs to find her body. Which mysteriously disappeared after she died. She even hires a detective to retrieve it. Creepy guy this detective dude.
Yes, everyone can see her. She seems like a normal person even though she’s a ghost. No fog around her, she’s not transparent, no pale skin, no anything. She disappears whenever she feels like, walks through walls and all that. And yet everyone around her doesn’t notice that she’s a freaking ghost. She’s either that good or everyone around her is stupid. How can you make the difference between a dead guy and a regular one then? Make him eat some apple pie and see if it slides through him and falls on the floor. Punch him in the face and see if your hand goes all the way through?
But then it gets complicated. Turns out that someone’s lying about the way the chick died. Of course. I didn’t see that one coming.
And then the truth emerges. And I’m having tears in my eyes. Barbecue. Oh sweet potato juice! Click to view Spoiler It turns out that her boyfriend killed her while she was asleep in order to get her money and pay some of his debts (mafia-related, of course). Then he cooked her. Yes, cooked her. He threw a barbecue and invited the gay neighbors over. They had no idea that the meat is funky and ate her (!!!). Then the gay neighbors found out that the wonderful tasting (!!!) barbecue meat was, in fact, human and agreed not to say a word about it. Just like that. But, of course, our creepy detective will be a hero and solve the case. The chick stays as a ghost and will destroy our lives by appearing in another DEAD[ish] book.
A thing that bothered me about this book- no, wait. Everything about this book bothered me. Even so, one of the many points that bothered me was the amount of cusswords this book has. I’m a cussword embracer but there’s a limit to everything.
Cuss word count (total number of pages: 53 est.):
Fuck – 69 times;
Arse/arsehole – 31 times;
Shit – 29 times;
Bitch – 11 times.
So apart from its vulgarity, DEAD[ish] doesn’t provide much. World building – no, thank you. Character depth – lol, gtfo. Plot – here’s your plot :throws an enormous piece of crap at my head:.
This is one of the most horrible books I’ve read this year. Please take my advice and avoid it at all cost. Please, for the love of all that is good in this world avoid it!!
Unless you hate me. Then go for it. It’s awesome.
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