Fifty Shames of Earl Grey (Fifty Shames #1)

   
Fifty Shames of Earl Grey

A shrewd, laugh–out–loud parody of E. L. James' bestsellingFifty Shades of Grey series:

Young, arrogant, tycoon Earl Grey seduces the naïve coed Anna Steal with his overpowering good looks and staggering amounts of money, but will she be able to get past his fifty shames, including shopping at Walmart on Saturdays, bondage with handcuffs, and his love of BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)? Or will his dark secrets and constant smirking drive her over the edge?

 

It all starts with a story of a lonely girl moving to a cold rainy town. She’s supposed to be with her dad, whom she doesn’t really like. She’s a shy girl, doesn’t have any friends or any boobs. Her new truck looks like a drunken lobster, and her school seems like a prison full of weird country kids. It all seems to lead her towards suicide until one day when she sees the most perfect being in the universe. He is the Master of the Universe. Lots of teenage angst filled pages later they kiss and decide to be together forever. Even if it involves multiple satanic rituals, our emo girl stops at nothing in order to be with her Master. Until one day when madness possesses him, and he twists her neck, drains her blood and buries her in his back yard. Now the emo girl’s spirit haunts Yung Adult books and is aiming even higher. She’s aiming for Erotic Romance novels!

I’ve been full of anger since the day I read tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey, and I failed to find a way for releasing this anger. Yes, writing a review helped, but it wasn’t enough. I remember there was a time I was angry about the Twilight movie(s). Of course, Twilight does not even come close to Fifty Shades of Grey. Anyway, back then I watched Vampires Suck, which is a fine parody of Twilight. I loved it. And I felt freed, in a way. However, Fifty Shades of Grey needs something stronger than that. It’s a true boss fight, and you know, when fighting bosses, you need big cojones.

Well my dear Fifty Shades of Grey eat this!



Let me tell you something. Writing this review is pretty tough because I’m barely containing myself from quoting the whole damn book. It’s hilarious! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes!

Anyway, let’s pick on the best stuff in there.

Anna Steal Facts:
- Fifty Shames of Earl Grey victim heroine;
- LARP (Live-Action Role Playing) rookie;
- LARP name: Labiamajora;
- Favorite show: Jersey Shore;
- Never used the Internet;
- Nudist parents;
- Picks her nose when idle or nervous;
- Favorite tea: Earl Grey Tea;
- Virgin and never masturbated. Ever.

Earl Grey Facts:
- Fifty Shames of Earl Grey stalker hero;
- BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick) master;
- BDSM name: Elfin Warlord Sliverin;
- His headquarters are shaped like an erection;
- Vin Diesel is his bodyguard;
- Has a malecrush on Tom Cruise;
- Loves Nickelback;
- Shops at Walmart;
- Gets turned on by women who pick their nose;
- Loves to hide under his prey sweetheart’s bed.

The best thing that came out of Anna Steal’s mouth.
My opinion:

“Have you ever had a normal relationship?”
“You’re my first,” he says. “And, hopefully, my last.”
“The way you say that sounds like you’re planning to kill me,” I mutter.
He laughs. “I would never kill you,” he says. “I might pay someone else to, but I would never do it myself.”
“That’s reassuring.”


Earl Grey’s opinion:
His penis.

The best thing that came out of Earl Grey’s mouth.
My opinion:

“Do you have a philosophy of business?” I ask.
“No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”


Anna Steal’s opinion:
Earl Grey’s penis.

One of my favorite parts of the book was the complete unexpurgated Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames list. Words simply fail me. For those of you who know what I’m talking about, my favorites are #20, #26 and #50. *wink*

I’m going to repeat myself, but oh what an amazing weapon this book is! I laughed my ass off and managed to cure the disease I got from touching Fifty Shades of Grey.

Thank you Andrew Shaffer *shakes his hand* thank you for making me whole again!

*birds singing in the background*

*camera zooms out*

*focus on Anzu jumping in the grass*

*image fades out*

The End

But holy fuck Fifty Shames #1! Does that mean what I think it means?? Oh fuck I have to read the other two Fifty Shades of Grey books!!!



No. Just no. Please! Anything but that!!! I’ll do anything just please don’t make me do it!!

Hold on a minute! Past Anzu, this is Future Anzu, the one who finished reading Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. You don’t have to read the whole series to get the jokes! Fifty Shames #1 actually covers the entire Fifty Shades series and the coming one is called Fifty Shames in Space. Nothing to do with the Fifty Shades series! You are free Past Anzu! Free! Now GTFO.


Here’s the cool excerpt that was in the end of the book:

Fifty Shames in Space
The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead. I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree. It is the best orgasm of my life. When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .

***

Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in Fifty Shames in Space, the moderately thrilling sequel to Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!



Can’t. Wait.



ARC courtesy of Da Capo Press via NetGalley.

View all my reviews

 

4 comments:

  1. AWESOMENESSm Anzu! I should totally get on this book! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mariya you should get it ASAP!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I STILL haven't read this. Sigh. Too many books, too little time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Did you read Fifty Shades of Grey?

    ReplyDelete

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